Playing a Losing Hand
by TutorGirlml
Summary: A little bittersweet reflection from Morgan after the events of "Snake Eyes"  Post-Ep one-shot


_(Hello, everyone, hope you're having a lovely Valentine's Day! I know, I know, I'm supposed to be writing the last couple chapters of my "Castle" fic, but this demanded immediate attention. The longtime Morgan/Garcia shipper in me almost fell off my couch at the beginning of last week's episode, and I wanted to get this immediate little "Snake Eyes" post-episode one-shot up as soon as I could. I didn't really intend for it to be quite as sad as it seems to have ended up. Maybe it's my own Valentine-less state, who knows? Anyway, I'm excited about "Criminal Minds" again for the moment, so here goes. Of course I don't own them. Believe me, that last scene wouldn't have gone the way it did if they belonged to me…;) Enjoy! And let me know what you think!)_

_**Playing a Losing Hand**_

_By: TutorGirlml_

As the door closed behind Penelope and Kevin Lynch, Derek Morgan remained in her darkened computer bunker for a moment longer, digesting everything that had just happened. Shaking his head, he repeated Kevin's odd "Plum Sauce" nickname to himself with a bemused chuckle. To his ears, it didn't have the same easy ring to it as "Goddess" or "Baby Girl", but who was he to judge anyway? Deep down, it wasn't so much the awkward-sounding nickname used as the fact that it was Kevin saying it to Penelope when Morgan somehow felt the flirtatious names for her were his specialty.

With a deep sigh, he pushed off of the surface of her desk where he had been leaning and scrubbed his hand back over his shaved head in defeat. _'Why in the world would that be my special thing with her?' _he asked himself in exasperation. _'__I'm__ not her boyfriend, Kevin is.' _It was definitely time he got out of the BAU halls for the night – cleared his head – he was starting to worry himself.

Despite all of the listening to her fears and the assuring that he had done just now and the night before when Pen was upset, Morgan really wished her could tell her he wanted to be in Lynch's place. He always had. Her shooting three years ago had brought that home to him with devastating clarity, but just as they had stopped Battle and made sure his Sweetness was safe, just as he had been ready to tell her what he'd realized were his true feeling for her, Kevin Lynch had appeared out of nowhere and swept Penelope off her feet.

Derek had watched painfully from the sidelines at first, thinking with little real hope that it might simply be a fling. He had figured that they would find they were too much alike, get on each other's nerves, and have the whole thing crash and burn. By the time he had admitted to himself that wasn't going to happen, it had seemed that Lynch was going to stick, and Morgan found he was too late to do anything all over again.

Now, he knew Kevin meant enough to Garcia that a break-up would hurt her badly. And if there was anything that tough, smart, in-control Derek Morgan could not handle, it was seeing his Baby Girl injured or upset. Though it hurt like hell, he encouraged and supported her through relationship milestones, silly lovers' spats, and decisions about the relationship when she needed outside advice. He tried to act just as any other best friend would – the way he had always acted before he was aware of how deeply he loved her.

After all, Kevin _was _a good guy, and Penelope deserved the very best. Maybe this was the way things were meant to be. Lynch was clever and gifted with computers like Garcia; they understood each other's computer lingo, hobbies, projects, and intellectual interests. They were both offbeat and quirky and reveled in finding sharing that uniqueness with each other. Though Morgan felt no one could argue her unparalleled brilliance, he figured that Lynch was probably as close to being her equal as it was possible to be.

He thought back to the case that they had just wrapped, to the washed up gambler who couldn't accept that his ship had sailed and he had missed that tiny window for attaining greatness. Everyone plays at life with the hand they're dealt; a wise, healthy person learns not to fight the things he can't change. Their unsub couldn't do that; it was clear enough to Morgan what he stood to lose if he similarly refused to accept the reality life had thrown at him.

Morgan knew he still had issues to deal with, knew he had walls and scars he might never completely break down for anyone – not if he had to risk being shattered again. He passed himself off as a player, a hot commodity, in order to hide the fact that he was broken and damaged in a way that would not let him cultivate anything deeper with someone. Penelope knew him well, was closer to the heart of him than he would let anyone else get; he simply knew that if he couldn't have her, then the kind of real relationship he had hoped for somewhere down the line was never going to be for him.

He had told her once that she was his God-given solace, but he wasn't sure she had understood how her affection worked as an elixir on his rough edges, the doubt and disgust he hid so expertly, and all of the other cracks in his armor. He would not risk losing whatever piece of her heart he could have; the possibility of telling her the truth and scaring her out of his life completely was too great a gamble. In the long run, maybe his bright, shining goddess was better off this way.

Reluctantly, he closed the door to her office as he left, making sure the lights were off and everything was as she had left it. He tried not to hang his head as he moved toward the elevators and home at last, to his own bed where he would attempt to sleep. Tomorrow he would laugh, plant a little meaningless-seeming kiss on her cheek or her forehead as they talked, flirt and make her smile. He would be her best friend whenever she need; that was all he was to her. He would be waiting in the wings, and if another chance ever came, he hoped to be brave enough to take it. He would be strong, affectionate – her protector and confidant, as he had always been. If he handled things just right, she might never even know that he was struggling to play the losing hand he had been dealt.


End file.
